For a long time, I merely identified as a woman. A woman who loved men and that was it. The older I became, I began to realize that I had simply never truly understood what this meant and how it was too simple to define me. For a long time, I was simply a woman seeking the love of her parents, her community and all the other people around her. A mere peoples pleaser you could call me. So, of course, as well, being seen as masculine in any way was at the time for me insulting, since that would mean men would be less attracted to me. Being more feminine was the only goal i had since I wanted a husband and children and this fairy tale romance and happy ending.
Then I got even older, and as I went through puberty, I grew hair everywhere much quicker and my feet got larger and wider and worst of all, my boobs got bigger and bigger. I realized how much I hated and felt uncomfortable in all my body. I did not feel very womenly, nor did I feel manly enough. Honestly, I fit in nowhere with my loud and confident personality which were more targeted for men, nor with my extremely feminine body that had too many imperfections to be that of the ideal woman.
About the same time that I started realizing that I was attracted to women, I also started realizing the world of men were mostly unknown and alien to me. Both these genders and types of people scared and excited me. Also felt completely separate from me.
I have come to a point in my life though where I can no longer say that I wish to be any of them, I don't want to be defined by the gender roles nor stereotypes that people have been following for millions of years.
I want so much more than that. So that was when I started exploring my non binary and gender neutral side. Not belonging or being identified as either simply because of having or lacking physical body parts.
Then I found the novel Orlando - a Biography by Virginia Woolf and for the first time in my life, I found a name that I felt like fit me, something from literature based on an extraordinary character travelling through time as male and female.
Saying my name out loud was the next problem. To comfortably proclaim of who I am.
Then next, an even bigger problem, accepting who I was and waiting for others to accept my lack of alliance to a gender, to a certain being, to a certain personality.
Finally, accepting my freedom, my lackedness of being tied to something. It was not even exhilarating, it was accepting who I am. It was relieving.
Next will be fitting my future goals and future life to my self. I can't even say how excited I am to proudly be exploring my non-binary side.
I feel content.
If any wish to speak to me who are dealing with similar messages, please send a message and I will try my best to answer